I always seemed to have everything I wanted, BUT was never satisfied!

In High School I was an officer in my sorority, on the Homecoming Queen's Court and enjoying life, but something was missing. I was heavily involved in my church yet, again, felt something lacking! I went on to Michigan State University and found myself with thousands of students from different backgrounds and religions. Which was right?

On an overnight train from Vienna to Warsaw, I found myself face to face with the Polish border guard. With his right hand raised and with his eyes turned upward, the man uttered one single English word--- “LIBERTY.”

It happened when I was a teenager. I lay awake in the blackness of an isolated campground, my stomach in knots, shaking at the sound of every small animal that rustled in the grass. A police car had just come around to warn us that a girl had been brutally murdered in the park where we were camping and that the killer had not yet been found. My imagination went wild, wondering if I would be the next victim.

The Romanian peasant was on his knees, frantically gathering the half-rotten apples strewn all over the mountain road. In the pitch darkness, our rickety little car had plowed into his cart, throwing him off and somersaulting his two horses. As a cold rain and snow fell on this surreal midnight scene, I had never felt less in control. I asked myself, “What in the world am I doing here?”

I knew all the best hiding places on our family farm. If my father found me, he would put me to work doing chores that often demanded more physical and mental endurance than I had as a young boy. It should have been a positive experience working side-by-side with my father. But it wasn't. I felt like an absolute failure when I didn't live up to the daily expectations I felt he had of me.

Hiding was my escape and my place to find rest and solace. Even today, I treasure time alone and away from the demands of work and parenthood. Time alone is when I think most about God.

My Mom was the daughter of an itinerate preacher. She saw to it that my brother and I attended church every Sunday, beginning at a very young age. However, as I grew older, I drifted away from the teachings of my youth only to make a lot of mistakes.

But God wasn't through with me yet.  It was many years later as I waited for my daughter at a bus stop that a little old woman with a kind face asked me, "If you died tonight, do you know where you would spend eternity?" 

I used to think that I could find favor with God by going to church and reading the Bible. Many times I tried to live a good life, but eventually I would fail and not live up to my expectations.  I wanted to do good, but was not able to be consistent.  I could not change the person I was, although I really tried.

I was afraid I'd be a SINGLE school teacher of other peoples' kids with none of my own... if I really gave my life to God!

When I was only seven years old, it became clear to me that I could have Jesus as my own Savior-not just because of my parents' faith. Though young, I really knew He was in my life because of His promise in the Bible: "The Lord goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deut 31:8, Heb 13:5)

"And it's hard to say who you are these days-but you run on anyway

You keep running for another place to find that saving grace..."

The earthquake violently ripped through my 13-story hotel in the middle of the night, causing it to sway precariously.  I was seven floors up, and the walls and floor swayed so dramatically that I braced myself, expecting tons of concrete to collapse above, burying me at any moment. 

It was cold in the living room at six in the morning. The coffee was warm, but I was very tired. I wanted to die. It was even colder at seven. My coffee was ice-cold and I was totally exhausted.  At half  past seven I only felt warm sunshine and I was full of energy. I hugged my friend and wept. I was happy! I was saved!

"What's the matter with you? How can you not know the answer to that question.....it's in all the newspapers? What world are you living in?"

Such a tirade being thrown at a shy, sensitive teenager by a social studies teacher in front of her peers can bring humiliation and shame. It can not help but reinforce her own feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.

Even though this happened to me over 40 years ago, it still hurts to think about it.

Many people think that being religious is the key to finding spiritual power and contentment. In my case, even though I thought I was very religious, I was not experiencing these things, until, through some life-changing events, I found the answers. 

When I was a child, my mother took me to church every week, where I prayed and heard spiritual teaching.  I was given a Bible, which I enjoyed reading.  These religious activities were good things, but I needed a deeper reality of God in my life. 

"Jim, what is the matter with us?  We say we are Christians,  but our lives are no different than someone who doesn't claim to be one."

I grew up in a religious home.  However, God was not real in my daily life.  I was troubled by doubts.  Religion for me was more of a tradition and following a list of dos and don'ts.  God seemed far off.

At the age of four, I stood before our church congregation, recited a poem, then ran to the edge of the platform.  With one big leap, I jumped off the platform, fully expecting my dad to jump up from the front row and catch me.

Growing up, I learned about God's love and His forgiveness of our sins. However, I had some big misconceptions:                                    

If there really is a God...  I am sure He is not very happy with me.  And I KNOW that He would want nothing to do with me. 

My father was a member of the Communist Party. Seeing the advantages we as a family had because of that, I thought that Communism was something I could live for. I wanted to be a part of something, and when I was in High School, I became a Communist youth leader; I felt I was fulfilling my life purpose until the Romanian revolution in 1989 when communism fell and all my "glorious" future fell too. I didn't know what to do with the new freedoms we gained after the revolution that December.

          As I lifted my head from the arm chair, I couldn't decide what hurt worse, the crick in my neck from sleeping sideways, or the pounding in my head from the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed a few hours earlier. As I tried to recall what events preceded my awkward rest, bigger and more troubling questions started to surface.

In High School, I realized that life was passing me by. I became determined to change things, to find fulfillment.  I looked to people who I felt were successful and started to imitate their ways. I changed the way I walked, I learned the "in" things to say and jokes to tell, and I got myself a girl friend. Still, deep inside me, I knew that I was missing out on something. 

I was known in my family as "Little Miss Sunshine," and my friends called me "Goodie Two Shoes" but I knew I wasn't perfect. 

My family didn't go to church when I was young, but at age 5 I started going with my neighbor.  I learned about God, Heaven, Jesus, and that Jesus died to forgive my sins so I could go to go to heaven when I died.  I wanted to go to Heaven but I didn't understand how.